One of the World’s Greatest Secrets Revealed…..

July 15, 2014

I write this blog with the greatest of urgency, as I feel its content will ease worry and sleepless nights felt by many around the world.  I have personally suffered vicious night sweats and post traumatic stress surrounding this topic, and I have been in recovery for years.  With time and training, I learned to manage/contain these feelings so that they would stop spilling into other facets of my life, but the scars run deep.  Some damage isn’t repairable……until now……….

Have you ever reached that point in your day, week, or for some….month…..that you hit your absolute rock bottom low?  You know what needs to be done, and it’s the last thing you want to do.  However, it comes to a point where you simply can’t go out in public anymore…….you have to do your laundry!

Just to be clear – I do not speak of laundry this way because I despise of the act of cleaning clothes.  No, this tale clings closer to the heart.

Have you ever felt that feeling of hope and excitement when you collect all that needs to be washed in your bin/sack/open arms?  It’s like you’ve stumbled upon a fallen or injured comrade, and carrying them to the machine is like delivering them to the much needed medical attention they deserve.  You place them carefully inside with the proper healing agents, and send them on their way – only wishing them the best and brightest of futures……

Time passes, and moment comes….You open the washing machine door, happily unloading your clothing reborn, but quickly realize something is wrong.  You check again, and still, something is not right.  Panic begins.  Your core body temperature rises, and no longer can you think clearly.   Your sock partners…….HAVE BEEN ABDUCTED!!!!!!!


After the murder scene shock wears off, you now find yourself in a tremendously uncomfortable situation:

You must explain to your orphaned digit covers that their life mates are missing, and they will most likely never see them again…….most likely a sockicide.

You try to council them that they will find peace, that they will move on to other socks and once again find happiness.  You introduce them to other shapes, sizes, grains, thicknesses, cuts, patterns, and colours, and eventually, they come around.  I have discovered that new sock pairings actually become stronger than they were before, and achieve a certain degree of balance that previously was unattainable.  They make better decisions, they perform better in the workplace, they are warmer in their relationships and give back more to community.

Nonetheless, how does one go on knowing there is an unanswered disappearance of their loved one?  The questions…..the doubts……

The coin flips…..Just the other day, I had a stunning discovery.  After years of being victim to serial sock abduction, I have learned to numb myself to the pain, only allowing myself to feel the joy of mating a lost sock with another.   However, upon unloading the final garments to be dried, out of the corner of my eye and beneath the thick rubber insulating sleeve………. I saw…………..a signal flare!


I was stunned….paralyzed…..absent of all thought in discovery of the underground smuggling channel.  I felt light headed. Plagued with rushes and visions of past occurrences, an uncontrollable emotional outburst WHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH was released amongst the basement corridor as I stumbled backwards in disbelief.  All this time……… many socks, lost to the slippery underbelly of the washer liner….and for what?

The answer, we may never know.  Upon peer review with sockpert, Brooklyn-Prior-Acosta, another potential explanation exists in what is deemed LINT…..In other words = Brutal cremation of stray socks in the dryer that escaped the threat of the washer.

Whatever the cause may be, it is my wish that this discovery be shared with all those you love and care about – Share with those that have felt the pain of sock loss – those who have optimistically woken up to their day, only to have their dreams crushed by finding a single lifeless sock, standing alone in an empty drawer.  No longer my friends… longer…

Help reduce or end the merciless phenomenon that is sock loss. Save the socks you can. Always check under the black rubber sleeve of sock stealing doom :).


Mr. Bard


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